


A Little More Time

by MountainKestrel



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes & Steve Rogers Friendship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Steve Rogers Feels, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 04:07:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18843301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MountainKestrel/pseuds/MountainKestrel
Summary: Steve considers what his options are after reversing the snap.  Bucky helps provide some much-needed perspective.***Contains Endgame Spoilers***





	A Little More Time

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my cousin for telling me that the little nagging voice that wouldn't leave me alone meant I needed to write this down, as well as her support and encouragement once it was finished.

The days had been empty for Steve since the funeral.Bruce was busy in the garage building a new platform to access the quantum realm, but there was nothing for Steve to do but wait until it was finished so he could return the stones.He’d spent most of his time in the guest cabin, where Pepper was letting them stay in across the lake from the Stark house.He ran, and worked out, and helped Bruce where he could — but mostly he tried not to think about what it had taken to get everyone back.

He was sitting at the kitchen table after dinner when he heard the porch door open then slam shut.He looked up as Bucky appeared in the kitchen.Their eyes met for a moment, and Bucky nodded at him.“Dr. Pym dropped off the particles today, and he and Dr. Van Dyne helped Bruce run the final tests,” Bucky said. “Bruce said it will be ready tomorrow,” he added softly as he started up the staircase that led to the bedrooms.

“Buck, wait,” Steve said, and he slowly stood up.Bucky turned, his head slightly cocked to the side, and waited.Steve shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down, sighing.

Bucky moved from the staircase and went to the refrigerator.“You might as well just get it out, instead of dancing around whatever it is you want to say for a half hour,” he said as he pulled outa bottle of water.He twisted off the cap and took a drink before adding, “I hate it when you won’t just get it over with.”

Steve snorted.“Is that so?” he asked.He crossed his arms over his chest and said, hesitantly, “Buck, what’s your biggest regret?”

Bucky turned away and set the bottle on the counter.He braced his arms against the edge, and Steve could see the muscles of his back tense through his shirt.He hung his head for a moment and took a deep breath.“I changed my mind — I’d rather have that song and dance.”

“It’s been a long time since I’ve done either of those things, pal.”

Bucky pushed away from the counter, the bottle forgotten, and ran a hand through his hair before turning back around.“If we’re going to have this kind of talk, we should go for a walk.You’re going to make me feel trapped in here.” 

Steve gestured to the door, and they both went out.The sun was setting, most of its light already blocked by the trees.Steve could see the brilliant reds and yellows of the clouds reflected in the lake, and he felt his breath catch at the thought of Tony and his suit.He could feel the ache in his throat and chest, still caught by surprise that Tony was gone.

They walked away from the house, following the trail around the lake that would take them to each of the guest cabins and the Stark house in turn. Eventually Bucky stopped, turning to stare at the water.By that time, the sun had set, and the clouds were purple and navy, already fading into black.

“I regret not having any choice until…” He trailed off and lifted his shoulders a little.“I remember everything that happened, but I never got to decide what I wanted.”

Steve nodded slowly, considering Bucky’s words.He could feel the ache growing, blooming into tightness, the sorrow settling deep into his chest.He folded his arms before saying, “I’m sorry, Bucky.”

To that, Bucky just shook his head, glaring at Steve.“Don’t you do that, you punk.Don’t you blame yourself or think that somehow you should have been able to fix it.You’ve given me a future - a place in the world, instead of just being a tool, something used and thrown away.And what about you?” he challenged, moving to stand in front of Steve.He shoved him, forcing Steve to take a step back.“What do you regret?”

Steve sighed again, moving away from Bucky.He crossed over the trail, walking down the slope that led to the water’s edge.He crouched down in the sand, letting his head sag, and trailed his fingers through water.He watched the troughs made by his fingers before the water swirled back into place. “You know, Clint said that — after — he woke up in a pool of water with the Soul Stone in his hand.”

There was silence for a long moment as Bucky considered this.“Did you love her?”Bucky had moved to stand next to him, although Steve hadn’t heard his footsteps.His hand — the flesh and blood one — drifted down to squeeze Steve’s shoulder gently. 

Steve looked up to find Bucky looking out over the water.He felt a spark of comfort flare in his chest at the gesture; it was one they had shared many times after his ma had died and all throughout the war.There was something about standing shoulder to shoulder, not feeling alone, but not having to face each other, to see the pain and heartbreak in each other’s eyes.“I did, but it’s not what you think,” he replied finally.He stood up, wiping the water off his hand onto his jeans.

“She helped me — she knew how to get me out of my head.She was like you, Buck.Family.After New York, and Shield was destroyed, and you disappeared.Sometimes, after Germany and Wakanda, it seemed like she was the only one I had left.”

Bucky smiled faintly.“I’m glad you had family, Steve.You never did do well left on your own.”

Steve looked at him, startled.“No, I guess I never did."

They stood close as the wind picked up.The lights from the Stark house and the cabins were reflected in the water, distorted by the ripples.Bucky nudged him with his shoulder, forcing Steve to look at him.“What’s really on your mind, Steve?”

Steve hesitated before answering, drawing in a slow deep breath and letting it back out.“What if I could have more time, Bucky?”

Bucky thought about his question, going unnaturally still.He searched Steve’s eyes, the corner of his mouth lifting.“More time for what, exactly?”Steve looked to the ground.His shoulders were rounded, and suddenly he seemed much smaller than he was.Bucky could see the echo of the man he used to be, back in Brooklyn so many years ago.

“I saw — Buck, I saw Peggy when Tony and I went back to Fort Lehigh.It was 25 years after the war, and she had my picture on her desk.”He swallowed, lifting his head to look out over the water, and Bucky could see the damp lines on his face, glimmering in the lights across the lake.“Not my picture,” he flattened his palm against his chest, “not me now.From before.The little guy — the one Dr. Erskine was willing to give a chance when no one else would.”

Bucky’s expression softened.“I can understand why.He’s the guy I’d follow anywhere.”

Steve shook his head slightly, and his shoulders hitched as he sobbed, once, quietly.“I know that Natasha...” His voice broke as he said her name.“An everlasting trade — a soul for a soul, is what Clint said.”

Bucky wrapped an arm around his back and pulled Steve’s head to his shoulder.Steve clung to him, his breath coming more harshly.They stood there for a long time, Steve’s sobs mingling with the wind rustling the leaves and the water lapping at the lake’s edge. 

When Steve finally settled, Bucky maneuvered him to a large rock on the sand, and they both sat down.Bucky handed him a handkerchief, and Steve wiped his face slowly, his breath still hitching every once in a while.“You don’t do well on your own,” Bucky repeated gently, “and even with Natasha — well, it sounds like you were both alone for a long time.”

Steve looked at him, his eyes glassy from the tears.His expression was miserable.“My team is...” He trailed off.“My best friend...” He tried again, choking as his shoulders hunched up and his head dropped down.“They’re gone, Bucky.We fought with everything we had, and we won — but they’re still gone.”

Bucky studied his hands, watching the metal glint.“Maybe that’s not your burden to carry any longer,” he replied slowly.“Maybe you can let someone else do it.”

“Who will rebuild the team?”Steve sat with his face still towards the ground, his fingers linked so tightly together that Bucky could see his knuckles turn white.

“Maybe it doesn’t need to be done.”

Steve jerked upright, looking at Bucky sharply.Bucky stood up and walked slowly across the sand, picking up small, flat stones.When he had a handful, he returned to the rock and sat down.Using his left arm, he threw the first one out towards the water.It skimmed across the lake, leaving rings radiating out over the surface before it plunked into the water, disrupting the ripples from the wind.He threw one after another, angling each one a slightly different way, until half the lake was filled with the rings.  He crouched down, rocking back onto his heels, and watched the light reflect off the water.

“You’re thinking about staying with Peggy, aren’t you?” Bucky finally asked.

Steve shook his head slightly, the corner of his mouth lifting.“After you fell, all I wanted was to complete the mission.The grief consumed me - it felt like an inferno, and it burned through me until there was nothing left except stopping the Red Skull and Hydra.There was nothing left, Bucky — nothing.When I put that plane down, I was hollowed out. Empty. I didn’t want to die... but I knew I didn’t want to live any more.”

He stood up and walked a few steps away, looking out over the water.“And then I woke up.I tried to do what we did in the war. But it was like I’d lost my taste for it - for fighting, for living for someone else.I never knew who we were fighting, and most of the time, it seemed like we were just fighting each other.It was worse after Germany, and it hurt to know it was so easy for everything to fall apart.I thought if we could just get the stones and bring everyone back...”Steve hung his head, reaching up to rub the back of his neck.“But now — after Natasha and Tony — I just want to live. I want a chance at something else...” He gestured across the water. “Family.”

He turned suddenly and crossed the distance between them.Steve grabbed Bucky’s arm and hauled him to his feet.He hustled him to the water’s edge and faced him towards the Stark house.The porch light was on, and Bucky could see firelight dancing on the curtains.The light in the little girl’s room was off, but Bucky could imagine her and her mother cuddled together on the couch in front of the fire.

Steve had his hand clenched tightly around Bucky’s arm, and Bucky could feel it trembling.“It NEVER crossed my mind that she might have been lonely — for decades!That she cared enough to have my picture on her desk.She moved on, Bucky!She got married and had kids and started Shield! She was supposed to be happy!”

“I know it’s hard to believe,” Bucky answered softly, “but maybe you were the love of her life too.”

Steve shook Bucky’s arm again, but Bucky could sense that the fight had gone out of him.This time when he said it, his voice had gone soft, breaking at end, “She was supposed to be happy.”

In a movement too fast to track, he broke Steve’s grasp, grabbed his shirt, and pulled him down until they were nose-to-nose.Steve tried to jerk away, but Bucky was stronger.“You listen to me, Steven Grant Rogers.If you want that chance, then you go back and you find her.You find her for me, who was never allowed to choose.You find her for Stark, who will never see his little girl grow up.You find her for Hawkeye, who knows what he became without his family.You find her for Natasha, and you never let her go.Natasha died for her family, and she loved you.She would want you to be happy too.”

With that, Bucky shoved him away.Steve overbalanced and fell back onto the sand.“Happy,” Bucky spat out.He loomed over Steve.“You have an opportunity to be happy — really happy — and you want to just throw it all away?”

Steve sat up and put his elbows on his knees.He looked up at Bucky and narrowed his eyes.“Do you think the world can lose both Iron Man and Captain America?Especially after everything that’s happened?”

Bucky shrugged.“This wasn’t New York, or even Sokovia.You saw who came to fight.This isn’t the war, and you’re not alone any more.The world may need Captain America, but Steve Rogers is allowed to decide what he wants.”

Steve looked past Bucky towards the water, and his expression shifted.Bucky recognized the set of his jaw and felt apprehension rise as Steve said, “You could be the person the world needs.”

Bucky took a few steps away, shocked into silence, and then started to laugh.He collapsed next to Steve and put his head in his hands, hysterical giggles emerging between his fingers.“Whoever decided that you were the Man with the Plan obviously never heard any of those plans or realized how little thought you put into them,” Bucky finally choked out between laughs.

Shifting away, Steve shot him a sour look.“What’s wrong with that plan?You knew me before, and you were there when Dr. Erskine gave me the shot at being selected for his serum.You were with me almost every day during the war.You even have Zola’s version of the serum yourself.You were there for me almost every day of my whole life before I went into the ice, Bucky.”

Bucky stopped laughing, although he had to wipe tears from his eyes.“Steve, this has nothing to do with you and me.You can’t make an ex-Hydra assassin Captain America.I killed Howard Stark, for Christ’s sake.”He held up his hands as Steve started to cut him off.“No, you listen to me, you jerk.I know I didn’t choose to do it — I didn’t choose to do any of it.But that doesn’t change what happened.We’re talking about legacy here, and Captain America doesn’t just belong to you.What happens when they ask me about the things I did for Hydra?Steve, I killed people on American soil for decades.This isn’t something that you can just force people to accept of sheer stubbornness.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Bucky,” Steve said, and Bucky could see the muscle in his jaw jumping as he clenched it.

“I did, Steve.I just didn’t choose to do it.”Bucky sighed and reached out to Steve, grabbing his shoulder.“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.Everything.But I don’t want this, and that’s my choice.You don’t get to decide this for me.”He squeezed gently, taking the sting out of the words.

Steve dropped his head and slumped his shoulders.He reached up to cover Bucky’s hand with his own.“Then who?Even when I had nothing, Buck, I had you.”

Bucky snorted softly and smiled at him.“I love you, and I don’t deserve you as a pal, but you’re an idiot.”He punched Steve’s shoulder gently, forcing Steve to look at him.“You pick Sam, Steve.When you were alone in DC, you had Sam.When you didn’t know who to trust, Sam welcomed you into his home and agreed to take down Shield with you.When you woke up in the hospital, Sam was there.When you broke the Sokovia Accords — for me — he went to the Raft for you.Sam is a good man.I might have been there when you had nothing, but when you lost everything?You had Sam.”

Steve looked away, digging his hands into the sand.He sat silently, looking lost, while he thought about it.“You know, I think he was the only person after I came out of the ice who asked me what made me happy,” he said finally, dazed.He thought about it for a few moments before asking, “What about you, Bucky?What will you do?”

That earned Steve a full grin.“I’ll do the same thing for him that I’ve always done for you, you punk.I’ll try to keep him out of trouble and, when that fails, I’ll watch his back.What does he always say to you?” Bucky asked, taking a moment to remember.“I’ll be on his left, guarding his weak side.”

“Don’t tell him he has a weak side,” Steve answered faintly, overwhelmed.

Bucky stood up and brushed the sand off his jeans.He held out his hand and hauled Steve up to his feet.Steve pulled him into a strong hug, tucking his head into Bucky’s neck.Bucky could feel the tears against his skin, and beneath his hands, Steve’s chest shook as he took a deep breath.“I’m just so tired,” Steve whispered.“I don’t know how to back down from a fight, and I have no idea who I am without one.But, God help me, Bucky, I’m tired of fighting.I’m afraid if I fall apart, I’ll never get the pieces back together.”

Bucky dug his fingers into Steve’s hair and rubbed his scalp soothingly.“That’s what Peggy is for — to help you smooth down your broken edges.”

They walked back to the cabin slowly, so close that they kept bumping shoulders.When they got to the stairs leading up to the porch, Steve turned to Bucky. “Buck...” he started, but he had to stop as his expression crumpled.Bucky could see the tears in his eyes as he turned his face away.

Bucky grabbed Steve’s shoulder, gently squeezing it.“It’s okay, Steve.It’ll be okay.We’ll be okay.You can come back after — it’ll only be a few minutes for us.”

Steve swallowed.“‘Til the end of the line, right?”He’d meant it as a statement, an affirmation, but instead it came out a question, and a hesitant one at that.

When Steve looked back, Bucky was smiling at him, his eyes fond.“We’re not there yet, pal.I’ll be here waiting for you.”


End file.
